Want to try mediation but haven’t told your spouse yet? Ken and Sarah explain how to invite them without pressure, when to bring it up, what Canada’s Divorce Act says about trying before court, and a simple template that lowers the fear on both sides.
About this episode
You’d like to try mediation, but you haven’t said a word to your spouse about it yet. Where do you start?
In this episode, Ken and Sarah walk through how to invite your spouse to mediation without pressure. The first rule: don’t be a mediation cheerleader. The decision to mediate has to be your spouse’s own, because a person is far more likely to consider an idea when they feel free to choose it.
They cover how to help your spouse get informed (a website, a brochure, or someone you both trust), why timing matters and why the middle of an argument is never the moment, and low-key ways in, like an email, a virtual meeting, or a short note. Sarah reads Section 7.3 of Canada’s Divorce Act, which says parties shall try to resolve matters through a family dispute resolution process, to the extent that it is appropriate to do so.
Ken also shares the lawyer’s letter from his own separation that set off three years of lawyers and family court, and why a calm first message, like the Ground Rules and Intentions template, sets a completely different tone.
In this episode
Why the decision to mediate has to be your spouse’s own decision
Helping your spouse get informed, not pressured
Timing: why the heat of an argument is never the moment, and low-key ways to raise it
Section 7.3 of Canada’s Divorce Act and trying to resolve things before court
Four positives of mediation: you control the cost and the pace; it’s less draining on your finances, emotions and time; it’s less traumatizing, especially for children; and it’s private and confidential
How a Ground Rules and Intentions template brings the fear down on both sides
Ken’s own story: the letter that led to three years of lawyers and family court
Chapters
0:00 Introduction
1:12 Why the first step is the hardest
3:01 Don’t be a mediation cheerleader
4:02 Informed, not pressured
4:41 Timing, and low-key ways to raise it
5:38 Can you skip mediation? Section 7.3 of the Divorce Act
6:33 Four positives of mediation
7:22 The Ground Rules and Intentions template
8:52 Ken’s story: the letter that led to three years of court
9:52 When money is the sticking point
10:29 Recap: four steps to propose mediation
11:48 Wrap-up
One idea to take with you
“Don’t be a mediation cheerleader..”
Sarah, Season 3, Episode 1
Key takeaways
The decision to mediate should be your spouse’s own decision. Invite, don’t push.
Help your spouse get informed, not pressured: a website, a brochure, or a referral from someone you both trust, and let them do their own research.
Timing matters. Never raise it in the heat of an argument. An email, a virtual meeting, or a short note can be a better way in.
Section 7.3 of Canada’s Divorce Act says parties shall try to resolve matters through a family dispute resolution process, to the extent that it is appropriate to do so.
A Ground Rules and Intentions template can bring the fear down on both sides.
Resources and further reading
The original article: https://divorcethesmartway.ca/mediation/how-to-start-mediation-process/
More about Ken’s work and separation resources: Divorce the Smartway
About your host
Ken Maynard works in family mediation and divorce financial planning. His educational work focuses on the questions, choices, and conversations that arise during separation.
Episode transcript
[0:03]Host Emily Bell: If you’re navigating divorce or separation right now, you’re probably feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, and maybe even a little lost. You’re in the right place. This is the Soft Landing Divorce Podcast, where we prove that even in the midst of ending a marriage, you can move forward with dignity, clarity, and yes, peace. Today’s episode, How to Start Mediation With Your Spouse, Without the Pressure, will open your eyes to things unseen by most. Ken and Sarah are going to share solutions and strategies that the divorce industrial complex never talks about, the approaches that can save you time, money, and emotional turmoil, but that traditional divorce professionals won’t tell you exist. Whether you’re just starting to consider separation or you’re deep in the process, our goal is simple: to help you and your children land as softly as possible on the other side. So grab your coffee, get comfortable, and let’s dive in with Ken and Sarah.
[1:12]Ken: Hey everyone, welcome back... I’ve got something fresh and, really practical for you today on the Soft Landing Divorce Podcast. We’re doing a deep dive into a question we hear all the time... how do you actually start mediation with your spouse? It’s something I wrote about on the Divorce the Smartway blog, and, I’ve got Sarah here to dig into it with me.
[1:41]Sarah: Hi Ken! Oh, I love this one, I really, really do. Because so many people decide they’d like to try mediation and then... they get stuck on that very first step. Actually bringing it up with their spouse.
[1:53]Ken: Right. And for anyone new to the show, Sarah Bates is a Certified Divorce Specialist, with over a decade in family law and a background as a freelance law clerk. She’s the guide behind Naked Divorce Filer by DTSW, and she believes divorce is a reset, not a battle. Sarah, welcome back.
[2:16]Sarah: Thanks, Ken. And you know, this topic fits that idea perfectly. Because how you start mediation... it, it sets the tone for everything that comes after.
[2:26]Ken: So let me set the scene. At Divorce the Smartway, we get a lot of inquiries from separating couples. Maybe they came across a website, or read an article in a newspaper or a magazine, or a friend told them to look into mediation. And very often... they haven’t said a word to their spouse about using a mediator yet.
[2:50]Sarah: Exactly, exactly. And that’s the real challenge. It’s not, it’s not about winning an argument. The challenge is finding a way to encourage your spouse to join the process voluntarily, and with an open mind.
[3:01]Ken: Okay, so, my first instinct would be to sit them down and lay out every single reason mediation is better. All the savings, all the...
[3:13]Sarah: Ken... that’s the number one thing not to do. Don’t be a mediation cheerleader.
[3:18]Ken: Oh! Okay. Why not, though? If it really is the better path...
[3:22]Sarah: Because the decision to mediate has to be your spouse’s own decision. If it feels like pressure, it, it stops being a real choice. And a person is far more likely to entertain an idea when they feel free to make that choice themselves. You want it to feel like a step they took, not something that was pushed on them.
[3:42]Ken: So it’s... less a sales pitch and more, an open door.
[3:47]Sarah: That’s it, that’s exactly it. You let them know you’re open to negotiating a fair settlement and that you’re ready to start mediation as a collaborative effort. And then, and this is the hard part... you give them some time to reflect on it.
[4:00]Ken: Hmm. So what helps them actually get informed, without it feeling like I’m, pushing brochures at them?
[4:09]Sarah: Well, think about what would help your spouse come to the decision on their own. It might be a website, or a brochure... or a referral from someone you both trust. And encourage them to do their own research. The goal is for them to become informed, not pressured.
[4:26]Ken: And then what? I just... wait?
[4:28]Sarah: Pretty much, yes. Mediation is voluntary, so it’s worth a try, right? Once your spouse has had a chance to look into it, you agree on a date to talk about how to begin... when they feel comfortable with the idea. Not before.
[4:41]Ken: Okay, timing. That feels like a big one. I’m guessing the middle of an argument is, not the moment.
[4:49]Sarah: Oh, absolutely not. New ideas brought up in the heat of an argument are rarely well received. And honestly, a face-to-face talk isn’t always the best way in. You could send an informative email... set up a virtual meeting... or even just leave a note asking them to think about it. Sometimes it’s simply a link to a mediation website.
[5:11]Ken: I like that. Something low-key. So to everyone listening... if you’ve been waiting for the perfect conversation, it, might actually be an email.
[5:22]Sarah: Right! And Ken, the way you put it in your article really stuck with me. How hard it is to start depends on the trust, the communication styles, and the emotional temperature in the relationship. So you pick the approach that fits yours.
[5:36]Ken: Now here’s a question we hear a lot. Can you skip mediation and, just go straight to court?
[5:42]Sarah: So, mediation itself is voluntary. That’s the whole spirit of it. But here’s something a lot of people don’t know... under Section 7.3 of Canada’s Divorce Act, you’re expected to try to resolve these things before going to court. And I’ll read the wording exactly... ‘To the extent that it is appropriate to do so, the parties to a proceeding shall try to resolve the matters that may be the subject of an order under this Act through a family dispute resolution process.’
[6:13]Ken: Wow. ‘Shall try.’ So it’s actually written into the law.
[6:17]Sarah: It is. And mediation is a family dispute resolution process. Now notice that first part... ‘to the extent that it is appropriate to do so.’ So it’s not every situation. But for a lot of couples, it, it really is the place to start.
[6:33]Ken: So when I bring it up with my spouse, what are the, the selling points... no, wrong word... the positives I should keep in mind?
[6:42]Sarah: Good catch. There are four. First... with mediation, the two of you control the cost and the pace. Second, it’s far less draining on your finances, your emotions, and your time, especially compared to collaborative law or a litigated divorce. Third, it’s less traumatizing, especially when children are involved. And fourth... it’s private and confidential. What’s discussed can’t be used against you if mediation doesn’t work out.
[7:11]Ken: That last one is huge.
[7:13]Sarah: It really, really is.
[7:14]Ken: Okay, so we’ve established... don’t push, pick your moment, and let them decide. But is there something concrete I can actually send? Like, a first step on paper?
[7:29]Sarah: Yes! And this is one of my favourite tools. You can send your spouse an email with a Mediation Ground Rules and Intentions Template attached. You’ll find a link to it in the show notes. We find it to be a really, really powerful document.
[7:44]Ken: Why powerful, though? It’s... it’s a template.
[7:47]Sarah: Because of fear. In separation and divorce, fear often hijacks our reasonable thought processes. You’ve probably heard of the fight-or-flight response... it’s a physiological reaction to something we see as a harmful event, an attack, or a threat to our survival.
[8:05]Ken: Right. And, honestly... an adversarial approach can feed right into that fight-or-flight response.
[8:15]Sarah: Which is exactly why one of the most positive things you can do in your separation is make an effort to bring the level of fear down.
[8:23]Ken: So how does a template do that?
[8:25]Sarah: Sharing it is like saying three things. One... I’m not here to fight, destroy you, or take you for everything. Two... I value you as a parent, if you have children. And three, it’s a clear statement that you want a fair and amicable separation.
[8:43]Ken: Huh. That’s... that’s a very different first message than a letter from a lawyer.
[8:48]Sarah: Very different. And Ken, I know that one’s personal for you.
[8:51]Ken: It is. It’s actually why I do this work. In my own separation, many years ago, before I became a mediator... I remember the moment I got a letter from my wife’s lawyer. I was instantly overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. And from that point forward, my, my reasonableness was hijacked.
[9:14]Sarah: And that letter was only the beginning.
[9:16]Ken: It was. Her lawyer knew just how to fuel that fear, with regular emails, letters, and court documents. It set off a series of events that led to three years of lawyers and family court. And I... I don’t want that for you, or your family. That’s why I became a divorce mediator.
[9:38]Sarah: Thank you for sharing that, Ken. It really shows how much that very first message matters. One letter set off three years of conflict for you. A calm, respectful invitation sets a completely different tone.
[9:51]Ken: So, what about couples where money is the big sticking point? Is mediation still a fit for them?
[9:58]Sarah: Yes. Your article mentions financial mediation for exactly that... working with a family mediator to address financial and family matters peacefully, cost-effectively, and fairly, and to avoid court. And it’s worth knowing that divorce law in Ontario favours equalization above all else. That gets everything off to a good start. But how smoothly your divorce goes really depends on your ability to work things out in the agreements you’ll sign before, during, and after your marriage ends.
[10:29]Ken: So as we wrap things up... let’s recap. What should someone do if they want to propose mediation this week?
[10:39]Sarah: Okay. One... don’t be a mediation cheerleader. Let your spouse know you’re open to a fair settlement, and then let the decision be theirs. Two... pick your moment. Never in the heat of an argument, and think about an email, a virtual meeting, or even a simple note. Three... point them to good information, like a website or a trusted third person, and let them do their own research. And four, consider sending the Ground Rules and Intentions Template, to bring the fear down on both sides.
[11:13]Ken: And on that note... if you’d like help figuring out how to start, you can book a Get Acquainted Call with Divorce the Smartway.
[11:21]Sarah: And remember... the choice to mediate should be theirs. Your job is just to open the door.
[11:26]Ken: I love that. So to everyone listening, here’s something to think about. What’s one small, low-pressure way you could let your spouse know you’re open to mediation? Stay curious, keep those questions coming, and until next time... keep opening doors.
[11:48]Host Emily Bell: And that’s a wrap on today’s episode. If there’s one thing to take with you, it’s this: the decision to mediate should be your spouse’s own decision, so invite, don’t push. Divorce doesn’t have to be as complicated, costly, or drawn-out as the industry often makes it seem. You have more choices than you’ve been told, and more strength than you may realize. If today’s conversation resonated with you, subscribe to the Soft Landing Divorce Podcast so you never miss a new episode, and leave us a review, because it helps other people who need this information find us. And if you know someone who’s struggling through separation or divorce, please share this episode with them. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is let someone know they’re not alone. All our resources, show notes, and connection links are in the podcast description. Until then, keep moving toward your soft landing. You’ve got this, and we’ve got you. That’s Ken and Sarah, and they’ll see you next time. Disclaimer: The information provided in this podcast is intended for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. For legal guidance specific to your situation, please consult a qualified legal professional in your jurisdiction.
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